Monday, February 28, 2005
• 433 years before I was born, Mary Queen of Scots was born
• 50 years before I was born, Sammy Davis, Jr. was born
• 34 years before I was born, the U.S. declared war on Japan
• 5 years after I was born, John Lennon was shot and killed by Mark Chapman
• 16 years after I was born, the U.S.S.R. officially ceased to exist when the Commonwealth of Independent States was formed
Okay...long tangent. Anyway, Saturday was Al Bolin's bachelor party/fishing trip/sushi dinner/poker game. Good times. Big Mikee won the jackpot with a good sized sea bass which was slightly larger than Chyo's (although, Chyo caught 8 total fish while Mike only caught 1). I pulled in a couple bass that I will most definitely be eating sometime this week. Al's friend Aaron caught a sheephead that was twice as big as Mikee's bass but couldn't keep it since they weren't in season...that thing was crazy looking. Eman took a picture of it...so you can ask him if you want to see it...big teeth on those suckers. Sushi at Club Sushi in Hermosa was pretty good, too...especially the part where Al's friend Jack paid THE ENTIRE BILL!!! Very generous. Then Al won the poker game after dinner...with his eyes closed...literally.
Another good thing that happened over the weekend was UCLA beating the Irish. I wasn't able to watch the game, but it was good news nonetheless. If we can take care of some Beavers and Ducks this week, we should be in good shape for an at large bid to the big dance. Oh, march madness is so close I can taste it. Go Bruins!
Yet another enjoyable part of my weekend was watching the Oscars. Million Dollar Baby (which I was actually able to see at the last minute on Friday night when original plans fell through) took home 4 of the big six (picture, director, actress and supporting actor) and came out the big winner. Jamie Foxx got the award for best actor for Ray...and from what I hear, he deserved it. I received it in the mail today from blockbuster so I wasn't able to watch it before the awards. It is hard for me to think of Jamie Foxx without thinking of his "Ugly Wanda" character on "In Living Color"...I have been searching the internet for the last 30 minutes looking for a picture of Wanda with no success. If you find one please email me the link or a copy at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks. The last of the big 6, supporting actress, went to Cate Blanchett for her portrayal of Kate Hepburn in The Aviator...I really wanted my girl to win...but can't really make a fuss since I didn't see either movie. Check out this picture I took when we were vacationing in Rome:
"Ah, how I love taking drives with Sean."
I was also really happy to see Charlie Kaufman take home the Oscar for best original screenplay (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). I was looking back at my movies post and I think I can honestly say that this was my favorite movie of the last 3 years. And I am really glad that The Incredibles won for best animated feature film...even though I didn't see the other two nominees...easily the best family film of the last 3 years. I was also glad to see Jorge "The Glide" Drexler win for best original song...but only because the song was in Spanish and was the first such song ever to be nominated as my other girl informed us with her adorable little accent. Here is a picture of her that I took on a trip we took to Ixtapa:
"Te quiero mucho, Sean...te quiero mucho."
Another good part of the awards was when Beyonce sang 3 out of the five songs nominated for best song...no wait...no it wasn't. WTF? Why didn't they just have her do the other two while they were at it? Then we would have been able to see her team up with Carlos Santana and Counting Crows sans Adam Duritz (a.k.a. Sideshow Bob).
Lastly, I finished off my weekend by returning to the ice after a 3 month hiatus. For various reasons (read "laziness") I missed over half of my hockey season this year. Needless to say, I was a bit apprehensive about my return after having not played for so long. It turned out to be not as bad as I thought it would be...I even managed to score a goal (off a picture perfect pass from my teammate Matty) and an assist. My team, KAOS, went into last night's game tied for second in the league...after our 6-2 win we are in good shape to make the playoffs with only 3 games left in the regular season. I know, I know...you couldn't care less.
Well, I hope all of your collective weekends were good as well. Can you believe that one sixth of 2005 is already over? Think about that for a while....well go on....THINK ABOUT IT!
Friday, February 25, 2005
Wait a sec...I just remembered something really funny I got a long time ago from a coworker. This is an actual letter that was mailed from someone at a law firm. Click the picture for an easier to read version. Check out the middle paragraph and what a huge difference one misplaced "f" can make.
Oh my heavens.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Also...I saw Maria Full of Grace last night...sorry to those who expressed interest in seeing this movie with me...it was one of the movies that Blockbuster Online mailed to me and I watched it while sitting on my bed eating chicken pad thai and drinking thai iced tea in my jammies...and I watched the first half hour in between Jeopardy and Lost and the rest after Alias was over...not exactly how most people like to watch movies. Anyway, what an intense movie! All the people who complain about immigrants in this country should watch this movie just to get a sense of what some of those immigrants are willing to do to live here. Wow. I just thank God that my grandpa did not have to go to these lengths to get here. Thank you again, Volkswagen...
Speaking of Vee Dub, I saw the new Phaeton today on my way back from picking up my lunch. Nice looking car, but check out the price!! For those of you too lazy to click, let me just tell you that the MSRP for the V8 model is ~$67K and $96K for the 12-cylinder...that is before the "Gas Guzzler Tax" is applied...$1,300 for the V8 and $3,000 for the W12. Drivers Wanted? More like Ballers Wanted. Ouch!
For you...one dollar.
Something tells me that the 99¢ they were charging for these bad boys was not going to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Not cool. Whoever these people are who are trying to capitalize on the fact that wearing these bracelets has become the cool thing to do need to check themselves. And the people of Atascadero (and any other place that is selling these shams) need to refrain from supporting such dubious practices and make sure their money goes to the right place....I mean, they are not even selling them for less money! Okay 1¢...come on. What would Lance say?
"Keep it real, yo."
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
1. Jason Mulgrew, Internet Quasi-Celebrity
2. The Best Page In The Universe (although, Maddox has been slacking a bit this year...maybe his book will make up for it.
3. Go Fug Yourself ("hilarious bitches" indeed)
4. TVgasm (save yourself some time and read B-side's Real World coverage...the rest is just ah-ite)
5. Chyo & Joe's 2 Minute Reviews (for a more detailed shout out, go here)
6. Titles are for losers
7. Tequila Red
9. domo arigato (oooh Alberto!)
9a. Smooth as Erik Estrada (this is the current title anyway)
10. My Blog Is Poop (check out the pic from yesterday's post....awesome!!!)
Honorable mentions go to Not that you asked, good times with tina, Gawker, Defamer, Best Week Ever, No Sex in the City and Cruel Site of the Day. Cheer up, mates...like I said...the list is subject to change....as if you really cared anyway.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Speaking of public radio, my brother was on KQED (a San Francisco based public radio station) back in November of 2003. You can listen to it here. He touches on similar subject matter to his February 16th, 2005 post...oh yeah, and he's really smart...he was on Jeopardy, too.
Friday, February 18, 2005
"I can kill you with my cuteness...I'm serious."
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
I know you are all just jealous because I get to go see this hot little number:
You all sooooo wish you were me. Admit it.
The last I heard Vicki was on her way to China for something...I can't remember what. Hope all is well, Vic. I miss seeing your adorable face.
Didn't know Frank that well. Seemed like a nice guy though. Rock on wherever you are, Frank.
Didn't really know Gina that well either...I just remember she had a brother named Webber or something like that. I also remember greeting her with the phrase, "Damn, Gina." Just kidding...I never said that to her...not to her face anyway.
Jean!!! I remain very close friends with Jean and try and visit her anytime I am in the Bay area. Coincidentally, I will be in the bay area this weekend. Hopefully, I will get a chance to see her then. Jean is one of my favorite people in the world. [click on her picture to read her blog]
Jon is another one of my favorite people who I, unfortunately, don't get to see that often because he also lives in the Bay area. He is a scientist...it says so on his business card. How cool is that?
Stephen goes to my church and works with my roommate so I do see him every once in a while. He was part of the team that brought you those riveting high school basketball games on IVT sports... unfortunately, the picture came out a little dark...but it's him...I promise.
Man, did I love wearing robes as a kid. I think it had something to do with playing a shepherd every year in my school's annual Christmas play. That may also be why I love wearing fake beards so much....and sandals.
Probably my favorite picture of all of them. Reuben is keepin' it real on the westside with EmanBruin. Wow...I just saw the second pic on Eman's post for today...speechless. Rube and I always seem to find each other sitting at the same table at wedding receptions. I am always glad when I get to catch up with him because I genuinely enjoy our conversations. Albolin, Reuben and I roomed together for a year in college...I think Al and I most likely caused him some permanent psychological damage. Reuben bought a blow gun in Vegas during kmd1's bachelor party weekend...it was awesome...we left a bunch of tiny holes in the couch in our room at the Hard Rock. Ah memories.
Jerome "Unrighteous" Mammen
Jay Romey Rome! The only 99 BCF staffer of the bunch. I haven't seen this guy since before he got married. I just missed him during the BCF senior seminar weekend last month...he must have sensed my presence and run for his life, fearing my grasp like a field mouse fears a hawk's large talons. I will probably see him at the wedding this weekend. He can run but he can't hide.
Shumbo! Haven't seen this guy since...uh...graduation. Have no idea what he is up to...hope all is well with the Bravo baller. Man, that guy had some serious skills.
'Bout it, 'bout it. Hedrick homies since '94...Steph is another one of those folks I see often at weddings, but we frequently email back and forth and read each other's blogs...you can read hers by clicking on her picture. Steph, I love the Lord...and if lovin' the Lord is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Mmm hmm.
This picture absolutely kills me. Part of the reason I was so excited to find these was because I used to have the original of this picture, but Sueann made me give it back. That was a sad day for me. Now it is forever preserved in cyberspace. I see Sueann at my church every once in a while but she usually goes to the night service. Sup, girl.
Another person that I did not know very well...but every bit as sweet as she looks in this picture. I hope you are well, wherever you are.
Well...that's all I've got. I hope that was as fun for you as it was for me. Probably not for the folks who have no idea who these people are...but, this is my blog and I will do as I please. Thank you and good day.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
• Bob the Thief robs Frank the Jeweler.
• Bob the Thief uses money from various thefts (including Frank's) to start a company.
• Frank the Jeweler sues Bob the Thief and his company.
• The F.B.I. arrests Bob for embezzlement and seizes all of Bob's company's assets.
• The judge in Frank's suit awards Frank the amount stolen from him to be paid by Bob's company.
• The F.B.I. says that Frank cannot have the money because it is going to pay for severance packages for employees of Bob's company.
• Frank is visibly upset.
If I was Frank, I would also be a bit agitated...and I am not suggesting that this analogy applies perfectly to the Gulf War POWs situation, but I am not surprised at their frustration.
The war was all about protecting Americans before it started and it is all about protecting Iraqis now that it is over. Whatever is most convenient for the administration. I wonder how the POWs feel about their tax dollars going to pay for a war where Americans tortured Iraqis in the very prison where they were tortured during the '91 Gulf War and then not getting any compensation for what they went through now that we actually have the ability to do so? This is my favorite quote of the article from White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan:
"No amount of money can truly compensate these brave men and women for the suffering that they went through at the hands of this very brutal regime and at the hands of Saddam Hussein."
Well can you at least give them SOME money?! I realize $1 billion isn't exactly petty cash...but nothing at all? Come on!
Bush: Thank you so much for your service to this country. We owe you a huge debt of gratitude.
POW: Actually, rather than gratitude, can you just give me some money?
Bush: Yeah...not so much.
Bush: Just be happy you are alive...that is the greatest gift of all.
POW: What a cop-out...this sucks...I want my pinky finger back.
Bush: Just smile for the cameras...this is really helping my approval rating.
Bush [to aide]: When's my tee time again?
This is sickening.
Monday, February 14, 2005
"I'll take a myocardial infarction with the fries on top, please." (pic from semissourian.com)
It's called "The Hamdog" but you have to go to the ATL to get it. Sounds like it's worth the trip.
I have no soul. (picture from washingtonpost.com)
Yes...that's right...John (I look like I am having a stroke when I sing) Mayer won the grammy for Song of the Year, beating out Alicia Keys, Kanye West, Tim McGraw and Hoobastank. To be honest, I don't have an especially legitimate reason to not like this guy...nevertheless...he seriously bugs. Have you heard the lyrics to the "Song of the Year"? Here's the chorus:
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Translation: Unless you want your daughter to grow up and become a stripper, you better love them and take care of them....or something like that. Don't get me wrong...I am all for better parenting...but considering the fact that John's main demographic are little girls, teenage girls, young adult women and...um...the rest of the women, this precious bit of advice on upbringing is only going to heard by the mothers. So basically, this song is just a way for John to score points with women who most likely already want to give birth to his children...maybe this is why he bugs.
Well, rather than allow my jealousy to consume me, I am going to write a song that will win me a grammy while simultaneously kissing the collective ass of womankind. Here goes:
What would the world be without ladies
There sure wouldn't be any babies
Cause ladies make babies
And babies become ladies
So love them or you'll go to Hades
Still working on that last line...not a whole lot of words that rhyme with ladies or babies. Plus, I'm not sure, but I think this may be a little too formulaically close to "Daughters"...but why mess with a good thing, right? The grammy is as good as mine....ladies, get in line.
Friday, February 11, 2005
"Representing the million gay and lesbian Americans supporting President Bush." Hmmm...having a hard time wrapping my head around this one. Bush seems to appeal primarily to three groups, in my opinion: the religious right, corporate America (a.k.a. the rich) and...um...how do I put this?....stupid people. Okay...that's a bit harsh...but, considering the only state with a combined IQ over 100 that voted for Bush was Virginia, I consider that statement to be somewhat true...harsh or not. Anyway, I don't think this guy is part of the religious right and I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he is not stupid...that leaves the rich. Either he is a rich gay person or he is just very confused...or Bush is secretly gay and the millions he is talking about are the only ones who know it...wait...now I am getting confused...forget it...I am going to stop trying to label this person and just move on...besides, I haven't read enough of the site to really make an informed assessment.
Strip Club Memories Sucks
As far as I can tell, "don't f--- with me" has created a blog for the sole purpose of talking trash about another blog...remind you of anyone we know? The other blog is named (you guessed it) Strip Club Memories...and, yes, it is just what it sounds like. If the comments to the only post on this blog are to be believed, the original author of SCM is not responsible for the content that is currently on the site...someone else assumed the domain after Dance Fan stopped posting in November of last year. The only reason I even bother mentioning this blog is because of the following quote in the comments section written by Dance Fan:
"I never considered my blog "perverted" and this new blog has that tone. Distressing. My blog and my stories were intended as a fond tribute to the terrific dancers that I met."
I don't know which is more confusing to me...Gay Patriot or Dance Fan.
Blog da Tabada
I just liked this one because of the cool little clock thingy that follows the cursor wherever it goes. Try it out...go ahead.
This one caught my eye when I realized that Taryn was a mormon. I don't know much about the LDSs other than the whole no soda, secret underwear, gods of their own planet stuff. What seemed interesting to me was this quote from her "my 'aha' moment" post:
"...even mel said maybe we should 'flirt to convert', but it just seems like potential for problems."
This was written in reference to a train ride where she met a guy she didn't know who "looked decent" which caused her to initiate a conversation. Again...confusion. Do mormons actually use these kind of tactics to proselytize? No wonder their numbers are growing.
This one is so cool because much of it is written in what looks to me like Arabic. I wish I knew what it says. Such a beautiful looking language.
Stocks or Bonds?
Answering the burning question: "SHOULD THE AGGRESSIVE INVESTOR BUY STOCKS OR BONDS?" After the recent questionable practices of borderline propaganda by the Bush Administration (read this), I wouldn't be surprised if this was Rove's little blog experiment to see if he can get more Americans to put their money in the stock market...or bond market...or whatever...I don't care...I don't even need to put money away because I get paid so much by the DNC to spread anti-Republican propaganda....I kid...I kid.
Louise Fellows, if that's her real name [said in a questioning tone], is taking a course at Birmingham University called HCI 2 (HCI stands for Human-Computer Interaction..."Good Morning, Hal. Good Morning, Dr. Chandra.") She has some interesting posts about blogs, one of which has a link to this story. Not to make light of this tragedy, but if you don't read MY blog...I WILL kill myself. Thanks for the support.
This looks like another scam to me (a la Woody and Swing Trading Success), but I am intrigued nonetheless. BrandonBott (another C-bus blogger...remember Micah?) has been kind enough to let us all in on some free giveaways. I tried to figure out how exactly to do this but just ended up getting confused. It involves something called Conga Lines and requires referrals and, to be honest, kind of reminds me of a multi-level marketing deal. It seems the majority of the people who found this blog did so by visiting Geek.com...hmmm. Good luck with that, Brandon.
HoldiNg bAcK mY tEarS
Pure teenage angst. Or is it bliss? I can't tell, to be honest. Really, it's the cheesy music and disregard for correct use of capital letters that suck me in...[sigh]...I was born too early.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Photo by: Jason Lee - Reuters (ripped it off washingtonpost.com again...hey, isn't Jason Lee the guy in all those Kevin Smith movies?)
Just kidding. This picture was taken in Beijing. However, I did have to read myself to sleep Tuesday night to avoid being kept awake by the festivities. "Gong Hey Fat Choi" to all my Chinese friends...and...uh...sorry about bastardizing your language.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
"Guns don't kill people...I do"
Monday, February 07, 2005
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Friday, February 04, 2005
Methinks I am the most adorable thing on this planet....thoughts?
I am just testing this whole image hosting thing so I figured I would put one of my favorite pictures of my niece up for you all to see. Coincidentally, she happens to be the most beautiful little girl to ever roam the earth. I get to see her in a couple weeks for the holiday weekend (oh yeah...Matt...I am going to come up with mom and dad that weekend...hope that's okay). She is about 9 months old in this picture but she is now a little over a year old. I haven't seen her since Christmas so I am going through withdrawals.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
ATM INSPECTORATE MALAYSIA
As far as I can tell, this is some sort of government site for the Malaysian Ministry of Transport where some guy named JayJay, a Scorpio and an Air Traffic Control Officer located "Somewhere in Malaysia", posts about auditing issues and other official sounding stuff. WTF? Apparently, JayJay has another blog that is in some other language so I can't comment on its content or supposed purpose.
Sleepy Hollow Manor - Family Council
This appears to be a place where you can go to find out about "issues impotant [sic] to the residents of Sleepy Hollow Manor Nursing Home and..their relatives & friends." Maybe someone thought this up after watching Ben Stiller's character in Happy Gilmore and was worried that the elderly residents would have no way of telling their loved ones that they were being forced into slave labor. Probably not though. You have no idea how badly I wanted to post on this blog...I refrained.
i am not alone describes this blog as "a journal of my journey through Isotretinoin - aka Accutane or Amnesteem - to treat adult cystic acne." The posts do not seem to focus on the drug so much as the personal experience of this person who, in her words, wants "to use sweet smelling lotions and feel like a woman again." It's like a DIY Extreme Makeover blog....except I think the drug has to be prescribed to you first.
This one was actually pretty cool...or, at least it probably would be cool to someone nerdy enough to know what VAIOman is talking about. I think it might have something to do with hardware upgrades for laptops...but I wouldn't really know because I am sooooo not nerdy like that.
I think the title is pretty self explanatory. David, describes himself as a "Str8 tek gEEk"...[sigh]...oh David...somewhere, Linus Torvalds is crying. Oh schnap! Did I just write that? Maybe I should rethink my nerd status. Hailing from Prague, Stennett lists Bluetooth, Symbian and ZigBee, among others, as his interests. Amazingly, there are actually other Blogger members who list Bluetooth and Symbian as interests...but Dave is the only one who likes ZigBee. Way to be unique, Davey. Okay...I'm done making fun of David...he actually has an interesting post about Wikipedia. Jeez...I really am a nerd. OMG!
Warning: Scam!!!! Woody, a 50 year old pastor...wait....HE'S A PASTOR?! I suppose when your interests are swing trading, long term investing, politics and end time events, the obvious profession for you to pursue is some sort of spiritual leadership position. Who knew that blogs could provide you with such sound financial advice? I wonder what Woody thinks of Matthew 6:24...being a "pastor" and all?
Search Engines Results
Technorati is a search engine for weblogs. Apparently, someone went there and typed "Virginia Duan" and got my very first post as a result. Virg is a friend of mine from UCLA who also has a blog. What up, Virg? I just thought it was funny that someone was searching for my friend and found me.
I don't think I have to explain what Google is....do I? I am only too happy to provide anyone searching for the office linebacker with a link to Triple T. In fact, here it is again: Terry Tate: Sensitivity Training.
Did Conan reference Kung Pao recently on his show or something? I can't think of any other reason why someone would think to combine the two in a search. Regardless, my blog was the second result for this search....WORD!
This search was so popular that it made the Technorati homepage. I have no idea where I rank of the 50,647 posts that made the list...and I don't really care....I just included this to make my post longer. Did you know that a new weblog is created every 7.4 seconds, according to Technorati? No wonder Blogger is always freezing up on me.
Uh.....what? I don't even know what language this is! The author, UKIBITCH, claims to be located in Scotland...but, I am almost positive that this is not English (although if you have ever heard a Scot speak, it barely sounds like English). I am going to take a wild guess and say that this is Icelandic...actually, the guess isn't that wild since Uki mentions Sigur Ros, who are from Iceland and who, coincidentally, kick ass. Interestingly, there are no comments on this blog. I wonder why that is? Hmmm.
Markus Biedermann, the author, is German...I think. I thought it was interesting that Markus chose a Pavement album title for the name of his blog...especially since Eug, his sister Erin and Phil Thomas are the only people in the world that I know who are Pavement fans. I don't speak German, except for the few words that I learned from watching Indiana Jones movies ("schnell" and "Herr Doktor") and the occassional History Channel special on Nazis ("Sieg Heil"). However, I don't think this guy likes Bush. You be the judge.
This just in: During the course of me writing this post, someone found my blog from this site. I can't say for certain, but it seems that my weblog is being traded on some sort of blog stock market or something. Hey, my valuation is B$1,550.00...whatever that means. I am not sure how I feel about this...but I think I like it. BUY! BUY!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Tonight, President Bush will come out of his burrow in an oak stump and predict six more years of violence in Iraq...wait...I mean...he will give the State of the Union address. Expected speech themes, according to CNN, are social issues, economy, national security and foreign affairs. I figured I would save you the trouble of sitting through standing ovation after standing ovation and give you the speech ahead of time as well as a quick commentary/analysis so you can also skip the post speech coverage that will surely flood the airwaves for the remainder of the night (and by "commentary/analysis" I mean a translation from political speak to laymen's terms as well as a more accurate interpretation of what Bush meant). Here you go:
• Speech: Good Evening, ladies and gentlemen, members of Congress, blah, blah, blah.
• Analysis: If I didn't HAVE TO be here, I would be fishing on my ranch or jogging or riding a bike or something...instead I will read you some stuff that my speech writers slaved over for weeks until Karl Rove finally approved it.
1. Social Security
• Speech: I am going to privatize social security because the current system will go bankrupt in 2042 and cost $10 trillion so I will change it now for a cost of $2 trillion.
• Analysis: If I keep pounding it into the public's head that there is some sort of social security "crisis" that requires immediate action, I will generate enough support for it and can get away with pumping tons of money into the stock market so corporations like Enron can manipulate it and get rich and help more people like me get elected.
2. Health Care
• Speech: I will create an "ownership society" by creating health savings accounts allowing people to choose their health care plans rather than be stuck with whatever they can or can't afford.
• Analysis: This is another way to pump money into drug companies and HMOs who can continue to provide "good patient care" (a.k.a. do whatever saves/makes the HMO/drug co. the most money and not necessarily what is best for the patient a la Kaiser/Pfizer)
• Speech: I will continue to push for more programs like "No Child Left Behind" to insure education improves in our country.
• Analysis: I will ignore the fact that the NCLB Act has not helped improve education but rather made it more difficult for the schools who need funding the most to receive it.
1. Tax Reform
• Speech: I will simplify the tax code.
• Analysis: I will help the rich and big business to stay rich.
2. Legal Measures
• Speech: I will protect doctors and insurance companies from frivolous lawsuits by limiting the monetary amounts awarded by juries to claimants thereby safeguarding the quality of medical care.
• Analysis: I will screw over sick people and eliminate accountability for health care professionals who can now make decisions based purely on financial ramifications rather than patient well being.
3. Budget Deficit
• Speech: I will cut the federal deficit in half by 2009.
• Analysis: I will spend $2 trillion on social security, God-knows-how-much on Iraq, I might even give the rich some more tax cuts, and I will probably increase defense spending…secretly, I don't really care about the deficit because I won't be around after four years.
• Speech: I will increase the military death benefit and defense spending.
• Analysis: I will increase the military death benefit and defense spending.
2. National Security
• Speech: I have restructured our intelligence infrastructure to keep our country safe.
• Analysis: I actually don't pay attention to intelligence, I just tell them to spin whatever they have into something I can use to do what I want to do even if my SecState and the majority of the EU beg me not to.
3. Homeland Security
• Speech: I will improve airport security and preserve the Patriot Act.
• Analysis: I will just say that I am going to improve airport security because people will believe whatever I say…as far as the Patriot Act goes…I just can't believe there is such widespread support for an act that pretty much goes against everything the Constitution stands for…I mean, you people must really like me to let me get away with something like that.
• Speech: I will protect the country from terrorists by improving passport and visa screening procedures.
• Analysis: I will use the country's fear of terrorism to justify kicking out the Mexicans and while I am at it I will pretty much screw over anyone of Arab descent…or at least make their lives extremely difficult.
1. War on Terrorism
• Speech: I will continue to fight the war against this ideology of fear and hatred.
• Analysis: I will continue to use this "war" as an excuse for preemptive attacks on whoever doesn't like us
• Speech: I will continue to fight for Iraq's democracy.
• Analysis: I will continue to send Americans over there to die because I kind of already committed to this whole thing and I would look stupid if I pulled out now.
• Speech: I will continue to help foster peace in this area of the world.
• Analysis: I will help Israel and the Palestinians as long as they do it my way and use my road map.
4. Promoting Democracy
• Speech: I will do all that I can to spread American ideals across the globe.
• Analysis: I will be blind to my own ignorance that the reason so many people hate us is because we think we are better than everyone else…and I will do this because I can because my country is the biggest and strongest and if they try to fight I will bomb them.
• Speech: Thank you all.
• Analysis: I rock…now watch me hit this drive.
There…now you don't have to watch it tonight and you can watch "Lost" and "Alias"…that's what I am going to do. Peace.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Anyway, I went golfing on Saturday with Reeves, Hainley and Mike D out in Westlake Village (By the way, I should warn you that if you don't like golf or reading about golf, you probably won't enjoy the following as I will be talking about it in great detail and using golf terms like "par" and "bogey" and stuff like that so don't comment on this post about how you don't care about golf...just stop reading now and save yourself the aggravation...at least I know my dad will probably enjoy this post...so there). The four of us started a tradition of playing golf for our birthdays last May for Mike's 27th when we went to Elkins Ranch. In October, we went to Tierra Rejada for Hainley's 30th. Last December, we played The Harding Course at Griffith Park for my 29th. Saturday was the month overdue celebration of Reeves' 29th. We were a little worried on Friday when the rain came, but the day ended up being beautiful...mid 60s and not a cloud in the sky...perfect golf weather. I had been meaning to get out to the range during the week leading up to our round as I had the last time we played, but never did. Since we were playing for money (not much money...but money, nonetheless), I figured I should try to practice beforehand. Oh well.
The rules were as follows:
-Holes 1-6 are worth 50¢ each
-Holes 7-12 are worth $1 each
-Holes 13-18 are worth $2 each
-If two or more players tie on a hole, the cash for that hole carries over to the next hole
-If two or more players tie on the 18th hole, the player who tied the hole with the best overall round score wins the last skin
-Hainley and Sean receive no stroke advantage for each hole
-Reeves receives a 1 stroke advantage for each hole (based on overall scores from last round)
-Mike plays for fun (due to relative inexperience compared to the rest of the foursome)
The course, Westlake Village Golf Course, was a short one...par 67, 5,053 yards (when playing from the blues, which we did), and only two par 5s...a little wet from the previous day's rain, but nothing to fret over. We spun the tee to determine the order, which came up Hainley, Reeves, me then Mike. The golf course looks good, my swing feels good, I like my chances (are you reading this, Marc Walton?). And so, right around 10:00 a.m. PST, we began our round.
Hole 1 - Par 4 • 293 yards
I start off ok...decent drive...green-reachable lie. My second shot goes right of the green, but I chip it to the green with my 3rd and two-putt for a bogey. Considering the fact that I almost always start my rounds with a double bogey, I am satisfied with this hole. One over for the day and on pace for a bogey golf round of 85. Hainley and Reeves tie the hole so the skin carries over. (See what I mean about the golf terms? Trust me...just stop now if you are already perturbed)
Hole 2 - Par 3 • 171 yards
Since I managed to drive the ball okay off the first tee, I pull out my 5 iron which usually takes me somewhere around 175 or so. I go right again, but get on in 2. Unfortunately my first 3 putt of the day gives me a double bogey and puts me at 3 over. Luckily, the skin carries over again. I am now one stroke over bogey golf...not panicking yet.
Hole 3 - Par 4 • 410 yards
My drive is, once again, decent...I quietly thank God that I am maintaining some consistency in at least one aspect of my game so far. No sooner had I done so than I flub my next two shots putting me on the green in 4. I then three putt for my first triple bogey of the day and, just like that, I am 6 over after 3 holes...double bogey golf, Yay! Panic is sinking in and Adam wins the skin. Hey...that rhymes.
Hole 4 - Par 4 • 304 yards
Exactly the same as Hole 3 except that I 2 putt. 8 over...still playing double bogey golf. I at least manage to get my drive over the water hazard on my tee shot. Ironically, I have the best score on the hole but don't win the skin due to a handicapper tie. Another carry-over.
Hole 5 - Par 4 • 271 yards
On the green in 3...three putt...10 over...Reeves pars to win...still no regulation greens...still double bogey golf...still no skins won. I am now on pace to score a 103 on a par 67 course. Panic turns to self hatred.
Hole 6 - Par 5 • 552 yards
Finally...a par 5...a chance to turn things around and start playing slightly better than a hack. Or so I think as I stand at the tee box preparing to hit. 6 shots later I am in the water to the right of the green. With one stroke to get out of the drink and at least a chip and a two putt to finish the hole, I give myself a 10 and press my palms against my temples to prevent my head from exploding (As a side note, I should mention that one of the course marshals chose this hole to follow closely behind our foursome the entire time...Jerk) Brian takes the last 50¢ skin. I am 15 over and only a third of the way done...I feel the will to live slipping away.
Hole 7 - Par 3 • 159 yards
This is it. A bad hole here could seal my fate. It is times like these that separate the boys from the men. I figuratively swivel the bill of my trucker hat from the front to the back and make the switch from man to machine (a la Lincoln Hawk in "Over the Top") and pull out my 6 iron. I grab a new ball, a Strata, only my second of the day, and prepare to carry out the greatest comeback since Tiger's comeback victory at the 2000 AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am. My tee shot sails over the watery grave of the ball that put me in this unfortunate predicament over the course of the first 6 holes and bounces pin-high about 12 feet from the cup. The crowd roars...well...in my head they do. I two putt for my first par, my first regulation green and my first skin...which just so happens to be the first $1 skin. The red Nike polo is on and I am on a mission.
Hole 8 - Par 4 • 319 yards
On the green in 3, but a one putt saves par and wins me the skin. $2 richer and still 15 over with one hole left on the front nine which puts me back under double bogey golf. Hope springs eternal.
Hole 9 - Par 3 • 125 yards
My 9 iron sails right off the tee, but still clears the water and puts me just off the green. I chip on and two putt for a bogey and a score of 16 over for the front nine. Hainley wins the hole and scores a 49 for the front nine. I trail him by one stroke, but have a new lease on life.
I wish I could describe to you how comical it was to watch my three friends order food at the snack shop. I felt like I was watching a movie...three people ordering at the same time talking to two different employees and paying in five separate increments. I just sat back and watched until it was all over then proceeded to buy a $2.25 soda with my credit card...if I was taking my order, I would probably hate me even more than my friends. What do you want from me? I had no cash! Okay...back to the links.
Hole 10 - Par 4 • 320 yards
On the green in 3, but a one putt to save par. Brian pars as well and the skin carries over. Even par on the back nine. I am on fire.
Hole 11 - Par 4 • 406 yards
A couple of bad shots puts me on the green in 4 followed by a two putt for a double bogey. Hainley bogeys and takes the skin. The high from the previous four holes has not worn off...I am still playing only bogey golf on the back nine.
Hole 12 - Par 4 • 313 yards
Text book hole....regulation green...two putt...par. The skin is mine. I fight the urge to pump my fist and acknowledge the non-existent spectators.
Hole 13 - Par 3 • 174 yards
Another water hole. I grab my 5 iron and line up my shot. I overshoot the green and land in a bunker. With the hole sporting a red flag, I have a good 30-50 feet to the pin. "Three words," I say, "up and down." With that I make the best sand shot of my life and roll my lucky little Strata ball to within a foot of the cup. I tap it in to save par and take my second skin in a row...and a $2 skin at that.
Hole 14 - Par 3 • 155 yards
My 6 iron doesn't quite make the green and a two putt after the chip gives me a bogey. Adam bogeys as well but takes the skin with his one stroke advantage. I am 3 over after 5 holes on the back nine...not even a double bogey or a 3 putt yet! I feel like the guy in Vegas who keeps letting it ride and winning...I am waiting for the bad hole.
Hole 15 - Par 5 • 450 yards
I do not have to wait long as the second par 5 is, once again, my undoing. I reach the green after 6 strokes (my 5th shot is a bunker shot that almost kills Mike) and two putt for a triple bogey. I am 6 over after 6...still only bogey golf and still much better than the front nine. I shake it off.
Hole 16 - Par 3 • 164 yards
My 6 iron gets me on the green off the tee, but I chose this hole to make my first 3 putt of the back nine for a bogey. Reeves and Hainley tie the hole. I am seven over.
Hole 17 - Par 4 • 282 yards
The race for the best score is pretty much over as Brian leads me by four strokes with two holes to play. My goal is now to make sure I shoot bogey golf or better on the back nine. 3 shots and 3 putts later, I am at 9 over and still have one more hole to play. I can hear the commentators in my mind with their British accents speculating on whether I will finish strong or pull a Van de Velde (see #10).
Hole 18 - Par 3 • 185 yards
My 4 iron drops my tee shot on the green for my fourth and final regulation green of the day. "Two putts and he is home free," says the imaginary British dude. The first putt has the distance but not the accuracy. "It's your home! Are you too good for your home?!" I collect myself and tap it in for par...both for the whole and for the back nine. Final score: 92. 24 over par. Not quite bogey golf, but much better than double bogey golf.
All in all, a good round and some lessons learned: never give up...and use Strata balls.